I seem to be putting a lot of Toteg posts here. As I may have mentioned
elsewhere, that's because most of my work is now tied up in Toteg Tribe.
Still, some of this is relevant here too so I share it. This is a series
of two posts, a before and after deal from 10/15/04
I got ambushed today. And I'm less than thrilled. I'm even less thrilled that I have to post this, but so be it.
Let me preface this my saying I'm an arachnophobe. Big time.
I was told when I was 14 or so that Spider was one of my helpers - "Guardian of the Inner Child" was how it was put to me (one of the reasons I wasn't so sure the info was trustworthy, tho now I'm finding certain patterns may have been after all). Due to the source, and admittedly my own fear (read: abject terror), I ignored that particular bit of information. And now I'm having to cope.
So here I am at the office. I'm stress-testing two different apps at the same time to see what happens. I've got no computer power to work with, and as a programmer that pretty much leaves me twiddling my thumbs for the next couple hours. Fair enough, I think, I've got a CD in my collection here that I used to use to Journey to, so I might as well just go as far as the Grove - I can go there and be here at the same time if I get pulled back for a moment, without any problems. There I figure I can at least go play with my neglected helpers.
In goes the CD, and off go I. Into the grove, where I find all my friends there to meet me, and a few Joe introduced me to just after he passed. The CD I'm listening to (Sacred Earth Drums) isn't your standard Journey drumming, and I'm feeling the music and they're inviting me to dance, so I do so, changing forms back and forth as I dance with each of mine (in each case I'm a kind of adolescent... kestrel soaring, flipping diving to the ground into the fawn (my youngest form) frolicking on legs that don't quite work; falling into a Puma hidden to pounce and finally landing on the mare/filly charging about, rearing and kicking, leaping into the dolphin swimming in the dirt somehow, over under and thru, doing flips and then tail walking into myself, now dancing with the other new friends I have met. I notice a spider has joined us, but none of the others are reacting so I do not either. Now we're circling the "altar" in the middle which at the moment appears to be a large round rock. The drums beat four times, boom boom boom boom and the rock we are circling opens into a large pool of... I have no way to describe it that don't involve Spielberg or Lucas special effects. It is, it's blue, it's not water, it's not dirt, but it's the stuff that all of these are made of.
Still we spiral in around and thru each other, dancing and diving down and down into a field, sun high overhead, one slightly dessicated tree by a stream, most of the grass is yellowish. Uh-oh, thinks I, I wasn't supposed to go this far... office and all that. Still the play continues so I go with it. Approaching the area we are is Joe. The dancing continues, but I'm handed off to Joe while the rest go on.
Joe and I sit and talk about a few things, some that have bothered me. He's annoyed at me for not listening to him, but that's nothing new. He gives me a few messages to take back with me, then tells me why he's here as the spider approaches.
This spider is massive. Tall as I am. I'm petrified. Joe holds my hand and calmly points out to me all the ways I tend to work like a spider - envisioning a web from me to many of the Greenwood members where I try to snare anything going after any of "my" people so it has to deal with me first. The spider's sitting there, expressionless (then again I can't read the spider worth a dang, so that doesn't say a thing) I talk to Joe about spider magic and how I work, and finally in exasperation he says "Spider's right there, what are you talking to me for?" and I shiver. Spider still does nothing. The only thing keeping me from running is Joe, and that I see My Lord a short distance off. If I run he'll chase me down, and well... the spider'd be better than that.
Joe tells me to research Spiders. Tells me 2 of the 3 incenses I'm to burn tonight (pick my own third), and to come back. Tells me I've got to get over this, and just to research, and talk to her. Everyone's watching now.
I talk to the spider. She asks me why I'm afraid. First thing coming to mind is being totally cocooned up and unable to move, paralyzed, waiting to be sucked dry. Thank you, Hollywood. I start to panic, keep saying "not at work not at work not at work" I break straight out, running for the safety of my cubicle.
And get a real talking to from Joe. This isn't the angry-talking to, this is the I'm disappointed in you speech that always as a child made me wish I'd been grounded instead.
So back I go. Joe compliments me on the ability to jump back and forth like that (not that I'd been fully out of it anyway), guess that was to prop my ego some. Face to face with the spider again. After a fashion. I keep trying to find a face, but all I see is Hollywood Spider Special Effect (In the words of Vash the Stampede, SCAAAAARRRRRRYYYYYYY!). Spider is not offended; at least I acknowledged her this time. Asks me how that is any worse than a lion ripping a deer's guts out and eating it alive. I admit that it's not, apart from in my head, and can we please have this conversation when I'm not at the office? Please?
Joe says "that's why you get to pick the third incense... choose carefully" (they're to be burned together).
I'm going to have to live it tonight. That is My Lord's way. I'm sick sitting here, wondering how many times I'll be locked into it before I break out of it. I'm wishing Rich would be home tonight. I'm terrified. My mind is frantically trying to figure out what it is I need to learn out of this, what I've got to come to to avoid this experience. Problem is, I know what I've got to learn. Same thing as when I went through this before, and just because it's Spider doesn't make it any worse.
Oh, but the terror meter goes off the charts.
It's funny. The usual response to this is to bring myself out of it when this sort of thing happens. But the last few times, when it's been something like this, I can't pull myself out of it. I can try, but I better not try to walk because I have to actively exert will to stay out. And My Lord always pulls me back in.
I've been asked why I trust such a thing as My Lord, when this stuff happens to me. There's a couple of reasons. First, despite what they seem at the time or on the surface, they've never been *bad* in the end. Second, because unfortunately I'm so dense I need the application of a brick to skull to get things sometimes. And last... because he is My Lord, because Deity and spirits are not the same, and because I can do nothing else.
One thing I've thought through on the road home: I really really have a negative reaction to being compared to a spider on her web, because of the dark manipulation implied there in some usages. That might be a large part of it.
Anyway grumble grumble, posting this, and vanishing.
- Everyone isn't as harsh as My Lord, and He's telling me we need to just go for a romp and ride sometime 'cause I'm getting waaaay too jumpy
- Spiders don't manipulate with their webs, that's their sensory system to what's going on outside. They also don't tend to sit in them all the time, because what's the use of a *visible* spiderweb, and what bug's gonna fly in if it sees a bloody big spider hanging in thin air?
- Spiders don't always tend to like other spiders so much
- Big difference between web spiders and the other types (she only would talk to me about web spiders)
- When tying things to you with lines so you can try to keep everyone covered, it helps if you put that little circular bit that links it all up because 1. it's less likely to break 2. it's more likely to catch things (more surface area) and 3. if you need to send something out to everyone you can do it by going on that spiral thread.
- String magic, web stuff, knots, binding... DUH!!!
- We are frigging BIG, a spider who bites us is most likely a dead spider (or inclined to think it is and is trying to make a point of telling the rest of our species not to mess with his because look what happens to you), or trying to see if we're tasty. We aren't. Skin doesn't dissolve into yummy stuff as well as punching through an exoskeleton works. Skin just dissolves into more skin, and who needs that? NOT tasty, but will do in a pinch
- A spider who catches prey that then is allowed to scream audibly is a dead spider, because the prey just called in any birds etc in the area looking for a munchy spider snack, hence the paralysis poisons
- Spider bites often anesthetic.(?)
- They drink their food, not eat. So they're not going to cut chunks out of a target, just make a hole where they can spit in dissolver and then suck up the result
- If you see a spider sitting in the middle of her web, she's probably either building the thing or trying *not* to catch anything (?). They can only make so many webs (?), and if they've eaten all they need they don't want to waste the webbing on something they're not going to eat (?)
Pieces in (?) are ones I really want to look up because I haven't the faintest clue how accurate they are, and while she told me this, well, fact checking is always a good thing.
The third incense was cedarwood if anyone cares, by the way. I knew it when I found it in my stack. And amber, pine, and cedarwood go *really* well together.