I sit and ponder what to write, reflecting on everything I
have seen and been in my admittedly short life. Parts of my life have read like a bad
sci-fi novel, and I've been told I live a made-for-TV movie. Some days, I wish I could
fire my scriptwriter. And other days the joy is clear.
I think everyone has a quest for her life, whether she
knows it or not. That quest could be simple: the American dream of a car, a house with a
white picket fence, and the standard 2.4 children. For others it's not so clear.
I've got the house (complete with fence, amusingly enough)
and the car, but that's not really what I seek. My life is a constant quest for balance. I
seek balance in my personality, in my work, in my house, in my spirituality. Balance
doesn't have to be stagnant; there's a theory of life that carefully controlled imbalance
can lead to personal development. I generally laugh when I hear that - because first I
need to be balanced within myself. How can one be in a state of controlled imbalance if
one cannot find balance, nor control? Balance first, then I can seek things like
I am a contradiction on two legs. To see me in a crowd of
people I don't know, I am a complete wallflower. That's simple enough; I am incredibly shy
and crowds scare me. Catch me online and you'll most likely see the me my friends see -
outgoing, friendly, always trying to help if I can, and generally making a nuisance of
myself! ;) Then there's me in a stable or managing a theater production, when I ooze
self-confidence. Sometimes I think I'm only truly alive around horses; pity I can't be
there in the current cycle of my life. Catch me at work and I am the picture of
efficiency. Catch me when I'm feeling sentimental, and you'll see a quiet, reflective, and
overly emotional person. But I am always almost fanatically loyal - to my friends, my
loved ones, and my obligations.
A walking contradiction - that's me.
And so I strive to balance all of this. That is what, to
me, being a ShadowDancer is all about. I see the shadows in myself and I see the light. I
try to embrace the both of them, knowing that each is an intrinsic part of me, and I
cannot be whole without both the shadows and the light.
I am a sometime horse trainer, a musician, a spiritualist,
a priestess, a fighter, a scientist, a philosopher, a mage, a mystic, an animal lover. I
share my house with five cats and a puppy, as well as my two best friends. I am fire, I am
water, I am earth, and air
now we see the imbalance. I am shadow, I am light. I am
me, and I strive to be whole.