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Jaelle's Quest... !?

I sit and ponder what to write, reflecting on everything I have seen and been in my admittedly short life. Parts of my life have read like a bad sci-fi novel, and I've been told I live a made-for-TV movie. Some days, I wish I could fire my scriptwriter. And other days the joy is clear.

I think everyone has a quest for her life, whether she knows it or not. That quest could be simple: the American dream of a car, a house with a white picket fence, and the standard 2.4 children. For others it's not so clear.

I've got the house (complete with fence, amusingly enough) and the car, but that's not really what I seek. My life is a constant quest for balance. I seek balance in my personality, in my work, in my house, in my spirituality. Balance doesn't have to be stagnant; there's a theory of life that carefully controlled imbalance can lead to personal development. I generally laugh when I hear that - because first I need to be balanced within myself. How can one be in a state of controlled imbalance if one cannot find balance, nor control? Balance first, then I can seek things like controlled imbalance.

I am a contradiction on two legs. To see me in a crowd of people I don't know, I am a complete wallflower. That's simple enough; I am incredibly shy and crowds scare me. Catch me online and you'll most likely see the me my friends see - outgoing, friendly, always trying to help if I can, and generally making a nuisance of myself! ;) Then there's me in a stable or managing a theater production, when I ooze self-confidence. Sometimes I think I'm only truly alive around horses; pity I can't be there in the current cycle of my life. Catch me at work and I am the picture of efficiency. Catch me when I'm feeling sentimental, and you'll see a quiet, reflective, and overly emotional person. But I am always almost fanatically loyal - to my friends, my loved ones, and my obligations.

A walking contradiction - that's me.

And so I strive to balance all of this. That is what, to me, being a ShadowDancer is all about. I see the shadows in myself and I see the light. I try to embrace the both of them, knowing that each is an intrinsic part of me, and I cannot be whole without both the shadows and the light.

I am a sometime horse trainer, a musician, a spiritualist, a priestess, a fighter, a scientist, a philosopher, a mage, a mystic, an animal lover. I share my house with five cats and a puppy, as well as my two best friends. I am fire, I am water, I am earth, and air… now we see the imbalance. I am shadow, I am light. I am me, and I strive to be whole.

Hindsight

Every once in a while you look back on your life
And sometimes you just have to laugh
The places you've gone and the things that you've seen
So different from all that you dreamed...
That straight one-way road
That once seemed so clear
Suddenly twisted and turned
And so unexpected, you winded up here
Looking back on the life you have known

So you look at your life and you count each misstep
And you wonder just where you went wrong
You'd planned it all out, you'd counted each day
But you never knew what to expect
No you never knew
Just where you would go
Tho you thought it would follow your plan
And how can you say which is better or worse
The real thing or that which you had planned?

For life's little twists have taught you a lot
And you know now just where you went wrong.
And things unforseen may have shattered your dreams
But the truth that you've earned will live on.
So when you look back
And you think you've done wrong
Also think of the lessons you've learned
For the life you had planned gave you riches unearned
And you'd never have been quite this strong.

[Copyright 5 1/2 Years, Lyrics by Jaelle ShadowDancer, Music by Josh Bardwell.]

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